Pappa wants mamma naked
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
