Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
