And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
