So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
