What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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