I puked a lego.
i just had sex bonerless
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
