In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize