i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
