Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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