I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
