A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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