I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
