So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
