yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
