I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Drunk is not a location!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
