you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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