You smell like stripper and shame
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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