the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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