I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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