The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
