I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
