Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
