Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
