Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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