Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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