Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
