i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
