look no pants
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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