i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
