You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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