I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
