and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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