If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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