College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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