she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
