Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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