Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
