Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
