yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
