yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize