Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
