so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
