im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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