Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
