Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
