Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
