my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
