Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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