I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
