wrigley field is MILF paradise
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
