this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
