Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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