I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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