I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
