I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
